Hyper Cubicle

This is going up...

2007-11-04T07:56:00.001-05:00

...in the bathroom. If you need one, please feel free to print it for a delinquent roommate or family member.

Made by me.

Also, I think it's funny that my Mac's icon for a PC on the network is this:

That's the Blue Screen of Death that you get when Windows crashes on you.

I'm back.

2007-10-22T22:45:00.001-04:00

After almost a month hiatus, I'm back!

Hopefully this blog can be brought back from the brink of the abyss and be something worth reading once again. I'm not lying, I noticed the quality slipping a while back, but I was too lazy to post anything meaningful.

I'm thinking of doing a name change, too. I've got a few ideas but nothing really screaming at me yet. "Hammond Street" isn't terribly original, but it is descriptive (and it still starts with H). The push for this whole change came from Wendy over at www.lifewithbuck.com. I really dig the style she's got going on, because my life's funny like a sitcom too. I'm pretty sure I'm playing what would be "Joey" if this were Friends, but who am I to complain.

Basically, Girlfriend Cody and Roommate Adam and I live together. It's an interesting mix, kind of like a reverse Three's Company. But not that way. Definitely not that way. On second thought, maybe it's more like Cheers. Where everybody knows your name and nobody's gay.

On the agenda for this season? Adam and I plan to build a boat, for one. Yeah, we got the bright idea from the Internet. Apparently, it's legal for two complete ignoramuses to purchase and possess power tools and build (from plans freely available on the Internet) a sailboat in which said ignoramuses will entrust their lives. Heck yeah, that sounds like fun.

There's lots more to come, don't you worry.

This explains the Beatles

2007-09-25T23:25:00.000-04:00

The Beatles were designed and sent to the U.S. by the British Psychological Warfare Division, to undermine the morals of American teenagers. (Lyndon LaRouche)

That's just one of quite a few of the conspiracy theories that you'll find over at this post on Swallowing the Camel. Personally, I think the picture of the shape-shifting reptilian alien from the lower fourth dimension says it all. Don't believe me? Check out David Icke.

Madness! Maaaaaadness!!

2007-09-13T19:23:00.000-04:00

Trade will never be the same. Without the lump of metal encased in glass in France, what will we do? Luckily it's only lost the weight of a fingerprint, so don't rush out and start buying rice in bulk thinking you'll get a better deal.

Why? Still a mystery, it seems.

Can you hear me now?

2007-09-04T07:58:00.001-04:00

Good?

Smartest. Girl. Ever.

2007-08-28T08:42:00.000-04:00

Not exactly. Why can't 1/5 of Americans can't find the United States on a map? Because we need more maps. Watch the video.

Pepsi Wrote Back

2007-08-25T11:36:00.000-04:00

And I got coupons for free stuff. Rock on.

I also wrote to DC Comics, and while Dan Didio didn't write back personally, someone real did.

But nothing is as cool as the back of their letterhead.

One for the Losers

2007-08-13T13:11:00.001-04:00

Friendless? Lonely? Got a PayPal Account? Click here for your instant friend. Complete with creepy phone calls.

My Rommate

2007-08-13T11:28:00.001-04:00

Adam is a weird guy. Aside from the fact that he actually wore this shirt, he's crazy (in a good way, though).

Today, I asked him if he wanted to go to the laundromat (by email). His response, as they generally are via email, was very terse. I asked him why he was always made such short responses, and he replied:

Why would you call me a weird guy. That's so inconsiderate. I don't leave terse e-mails. Look at how long this one is. I can just keep going on and on and on. La la la not terse. Are you still reading? Maybe you should get back to work. Hey look out someone is looking over your shoulder. Maybe it's a murderer, that would suck. I'd have to pay the full rent, but I would get a parking space out of the deal so you win some you lose some. Oh and I'd probably get a whole bunch of porn from your room how cool would that be? Well try not to die today but ya know if it happens it happens, easy come easy go.

This is what I have to live with. Sigh.

New Vision

2007-08-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

I keep saying that Google could take over the world's computing market when it releases an online-only OS. Think about it - cheap hardware that merely connects to the Net. Log in to any terminal and get your desktop with your files, your look and feel, your programs... Speaking of programs, why buy? Google could rent you the ability to use certain premium programs like Photoshop. Like it? Add it to your monthly package of a la carte programs.

The folks over at StartForce started the ball rolling. Well, more like kept the ball rolling. Online only OSes have been around for a while, but this one looks slick and is really functional. Give it a try.

Mmmm Pepsi

2007-07-30T13:10:00.000-04:00

PepsiCo, Inc.
700 Anderson Hill Road
Purchase, NY 10577

July 20, 2007

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Paul Juliano and I am writing to you to tell you how much I love Diet Pepsi. So often, people are quick to complain when they are dissatisfied with a product, but slow to compliment a superior product that provides them with a positive experience.

I could drink Diet Pepsi all day every day and never get sick of it. There's something about the crisp taste of an ice-cold Diet Pepsi that never gets old. As far as its superiority to Diet Coke, there's not even a comparison. Diet Pepsi is sweeter, tastier, and just all around the best cola on planet Earth. Diet Coke has a terrible aftertaste, whereas Diet Pepsi always leaves me feeling refreshed. If I could have a fountain installed in my house I'd do it because although cans of Diet Pepsi are great, there's nothing like Diet Pepsi straight from the soda gun. Actually, I've looked into it, but it's too expensive. =(

I've even become attuned to the very minor differences between Diet Pepsi bottled at different bottling plants. For whatever reason, I feel that the Maine plant has the best taste - maybe it's the water. Don't get me wrong, though, all Diet Pepsi is fantastic. Quite frankly, I'd be totally content to drink no other cola product besides Diet Pepsi for the rest of my life.

I always tell people that Diet Pepsi is the best cola going, and when I go out I always ask for Diet Pepsi by name. Sometimes I feel like your unofficial spokesperson. I drink at least three or four cans with dinner, and I always bring a can to have with my lunch. And, really, who needs coffee when you can have a crisp DP in the morning on the way to work?

I remember once I was talking to a friend about products we'd miss most if there was a nuclear holocaust and we survived. Of course, I'd miss Diet Pepsi the most. I can't really imagine a world without Diet Pepsi, nor would I want to. What could quench my thirst as fully as Diet Pepsi? Nothing. Not beer, not water, not anything! My family and I jokingly refer to Diet Pepsi as the "liquid of life." I've even used it to marinate meats and to make sauce for chicken.

In conclusion, I just wanted to say thank you for making such a superior product. Please don't ever change it, and keep it flowing!

Sincerely yours,

Paul

Elitist.

2007-07-24T11:08:00.001-04:00

Moved!

2007-07-23T08:47:00.000-04:00

I'm finally out of my old apartment and into my new one! On Saturday, Adam, Cody, and I moved from about 8 in the morning until about 2:30 in the morning. Not as much fun as you'd think, but the new place is fantastic.

Some of you know my old apartment was on the 3rd floor of a house, and there were a lot of stairs. As you ALL know, I'm super lazy. Well, I devised a way to avoid hundreds of trips up and down all those stairs.

Check out the rest of the pictures here. Don't go being all jealous of my "guns."

Blind as a Bat

2007-07-13T16:53:00.000-04:00

Where have I been? Well, the saga of my screwed up eye continued. Here are the highlights...

Around the end of June, I woke up with a swollen right eye and some serious redness. I thought it was just an allergic reaction to all the pollen in the air, so I didn't do anything about it. The next day, when it was worse and my right eye was swollen almost completely shut, I went to the doctor.

I was told I had conjunctivitis (the viral kind, which is worse) and that there wasn't anything that could be done about it. It'd just run its course, and I'd be fine after. It could take up to 3 weeks to heal but, since it was a virus, there wasn't anything they could do.

So the next day I'm in the ER because my cornea (which I've hurt before) is now all but completely ripped off of my eye - I can't open either eye and even if I could, there's no way I could see. I can't even begin to tell you about the pain. Turns out that there are more nerves in your eye per square millimeter than there are anywhere else in your body. Imagine all of them screaming cause they're half ripped off and being irritated by the virus that makes your eyelid have little bumps (called follicles) on the inside. So every time your eye moves, the bumps scrape off more of your cornea. Yeah, fun stuff.

All told I missed 2 weeks of work, had about 10 visits to various doctors, 2 visits to Mass Eye and Ear's Emergency Room, and about 7 different prescriptions, and a whole lot of prescription pain meds.

How did I survive this horror? Well, everyone was supportive. Friends, coworkers, family... everybody. Two people went above and beyond, and that's my mom and Cody. Both of them trucked me around (since I was, for all intents and purposes, blind), fed me, helped me move around the house, and kept me sane (well, mostly sane) during my illness. Thank you! =)

Naughty or Nice

2007-06-29T11:25:00.000-04:00

Do something nice like... send a laptop to a kid in Africa. OR, do something naughty like... send a laptop to a kid in Africa without the AC Adapter.

Two hours of fun in the First World and it's back to the Third World with you!

I told one of my friends this and she told me that Africa is, in fact, developed in some places. They have airports, I'm told.

This is just silly, because everyone knows that everyone in Africa wears a diaper, has a hugely distended stomach, and a fly that lives on their nose. (I wonder if they're issued a fly at birth.) No such thing as airports in Africa! Duh!

I heard from this guy that in Africa, people actually either hollow out their children (the ones with the big stomachs) and use them as boats OR they make the kids doggy paddle. True story, swear to God!

There must be good things about living in Africa. For instance... um... giraffes?

On the Road Again

2007-06-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

This week I'm off to a conference in Delaware until Thursday. I'll try to update as possible... though I know I haven't been so good about posting lately. The conference is the International Widget Expo, where we all compare widgets and the latest way to make them. Fun times.

My boss and I are traveling together on the train, which I really enjoy. There's nothing like traveling by train... I find it so relaxing. I can sit, get up, walk around, not go through airport security, use my laptop... anything I want.

If only there was wi-fi available... seriously, what's up with that? You think the train would have it, especially since it's a business class kind of thing.

On a more personal note, this weekend rocked. Amanda and I went to see a Pink Floyd cover band at Twin Rivers in Rhode Island. They rocked so hard, I saw two or three people in the audience just die from rock shock. It was incredible.

At first I thought a cover band would be kind of blah, but the lead singer/guitarist was dead on with his vocals and the monster Floyd solos were done justice. There was something weird though... They did the Dark Side of the Moon as an album, and then played some other songs. Those of you who know Pink Floyd know that they have a lot of weird sounds and voiceovers in their albums, and this one is no different.

So what did the cover band do? They had a fat guy in the back doing voiceovers and making weird noises with different (strange) props. The funny thing was, though, instead of them having an echo machine for the echoed parts of the album, it went like this:

Lead Singer: Black...
Fat Guy: Black black black... (getting his face farther and farther from the mic)

Now, he was in the back so it wasn't easy to see him, but once you did, you couldn't unsee it. We were laughing so hard we were almost brought to tears. The guy even looked a bit like Meat Loaf.

Asleep at the wheel

2007-06-13T20:42:00.001-04:00

Ok, so someone at the Mastercard marketing department is really asleep at the wheel.

Watch this commercial.

Wasn't that heartwarming? It was so cute... the nice animals bought the zookeeper some medicine and a blanket. Awwwww. It was easy... they just had to "tap and go" with Pay Pass.

Let me break it down. Mastercard is saying that, because of Pay Pass, someone as conspicuously not you as an elephant could steal your card and make fraudulent purchases because he doesn't need to sign or know your PIN.

Wait, when did this become a good idea?

I wrote this.

2007-06-04T08:57:00.000-04:00

It's a sermon, believe it or not. My pastor was away on vacation and asked if I'd guest-preach. Cool, huh? Regardless, it went over pretty well. Enjoy!

===Begin Copyrighted Material===

When Pastor Tony first emailed me and asked me to preach today, I replied back with an enthusiastic "yes." Of course, then the realization that I'd actually have to write a sermon set in, but how hard could it really be? For those of you who are curious, I'll save you the trouble - hard. Someone once told me that it's a good idea to "go with what you know," and that's how I came to include Superman in my sermon.

Actually, I think it's particularly fitting that Superman would be mentioned during Justice Sunday. Superman - who, by the way, is a Methodist - stands for none other than truth, justice, and the American way. He's an iconic American hero, always swooping in to save a puppy, Lois Lane, or (quite frequently) the whole world. He amazes us with his powers - heat vision, arctic breath, super strength, flight, x-ray vision. I mean, he even looks good in spandex and that's next to impossible.

All those things are fine and dandy on their own, but that's not where the universal appeal of Superman comes from. He is always just and incorruptable, and that's why he's the most recognizable fictional character around the entire world. He doesn't just bring down Lex Luthor's latest plot to rule over Metropolis, that's the easy part of being a super-hero. Superman knows there's more to it than that. That's why he fights for those who cannot fight. He stands up for those who cannot stand on their own, and speaks for those who have been silenced. Sound like anyone else you know?

Some might say, "Wait, wait, wait - it's easy for Superman to do it! He shoots lasers out of his eyes and can gargle hot lava!"

To which I'd reply, "They're not lasers, it's called heat vision." And besides, strength doesn't make someone just. Justice is about fairness - we have to have the courage to go out and do something. I remember a few months back during election season, I joined up with a group called MassEquality. They're a group of men and women who are passionate in their belief that everyone in Massachusetts should have the right to marry whomever they please, regardless of their gender.

We passed out postcards to voters and asked them to send them in to their representatives to show that there is support for Same Sex Marriage across the state. That day, we served justice. All of us stood together in solidarity and drew a line in the sand. We knew that certain representatives were trying to take away the rights of same-sex couples to get married and we said, "No, this is not fair. This is not just, and we will not let it stand."

Now, I don't remember anyone shooting off heat vision or bending steel with their hands, but I know the feeling we had at the end of the day must be the same one that Superman gets. I got to be a small part of something really big - something bigger than me, and something that really matters. As we learned in Amos, God wants justice and righteousness to flow like a river. Our opposition was attempting to build a dam on that river, but because of His gift of courage we were able to act together. We were each like a raindrop in a furious torrent, widening and deepening the river so that no dam can ever tame it.

Issue 659 of Superman had a beautiful cover of Superman landing amidst a group of people all trying to touch him. Except, instead of a cape, he had two huge, red wings. The story was a flashback to his first days patrolling the streets and skies of Metropolis. With his super-hearing, he heard the screech of tires and an elderly woman praying that God would save her from the drunk driver speeding towards her. So, Superman swooped down and stopped the car, saving the woman.

Later that night, she was watching television and saw news of a train wreck. Being a deeply religious woman, she prayed for God to send down an angel and help. To her shock and amazement, Superman flew onto the T.V. screen, righted the train, and saved the passengers. The woman, Barbara Johnson, thought she had been given the gift to call down the angel of the Lord - Superman - to right all the wrongs of the world. He would smite evil whenever she prayed for the Lord to send him down.

After many smaller exploits, she and her church group went to confront a local gang leader. She told him to take his drugs and his guns and leave her neighborhood, or she would call down her angel. For all his powers and his might, though, Superman is still just a man. He can't be in two places at once any more than you or I. He did not come, and the gang leader shot Ms. Johnson.

But she survived, and not once did her faith waiver. She knew that God had made Superman busy in Antarctica fighting an energy being from space caught in Earth's magnetic field so that she would realize that Superman wasn't an angel. God was telling her not to rely on Superman to be her angel. In fact, because Superman didn't show up that evening, her church group called the police. Residents who were normally too scared of the thugs in their neighborhood to pick up the phone were reporting drug dealings, shootings, and all manner of crimes. They were bringing justice back to their part of town themselves - and not one among them had heat vision.

This story really got me thinking about the nature of angels, too. After she got out of the hospital, Barbara Johnson said, "Angels are real. They're all around us. Why, you might be one yourself, but you'll never know. Not unless you try spreadin' your wings." That, my friends, is what we must all do. God's shown us what's right and what's wrong - he's shown us what justice is and what it is not. We need only act when action is needed. To me, that's what being an angel is all about.

Who knows what differences you've made in the lives of other people - when you lend a hand at a shelter, when you reach out to a friend in need, when you pray for someone, when you do God's work - you've become someone's angel because you stepped up and did something. The way each of you welcomed me into your church and led me down the path of Christ makes you all my angels, I know that.

As both Christians and as decent human beings, we cannot sit idly by and watch injustices and inequities while we pray for salvation. Ghandi said we must be the change we wish to see in the world, and he's right. Because Superman isn't real, and he's not coming to save the day. So let God act through you - do his work every day and become someone's angel.

===End Copyrighted Material===

The above copyrighted material is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

That was weird...

2007-06-01T09:19:00.000-04:00

The other day I went kiting, and I just happened to be wearing my orange Polo shirt. Does everyone who goes kiting wear orange Polos? This is just weird.

Yes, that's a guy and his son, both wearing orange Polos also flying a kite. WTF? I'm not sure that you can see it, but those two were definitely flying a little kite.

Got a cigarette?

2007-05-30T08:04:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had the best sex dream ever.

Subconscious mind, you are the greatest.

404!

2007-05-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

Post not found!

Get it? Cause it's 404... like the error you get when you go to a page that doesn't exist. Happy 404th post everyone!

Rock out

2007-05-29T20:22:00.000-04:00

As I previously wrote, I recently purchased a guitar and started trying to teach myself to play. On Saturday night Audrey and I went to visit some of her friends - a couple and a single guy living together. She encouraged me to bring my guitar so I could "jam" with Rich, the drummer/fiance, and Mike, the guitarist. (Note: I'm told you're supposed to name your guitar... any suggestions? I've thought for a bit, but I can't come up with anything good. Reply with some ideas!)

I didn't think that this was a good idea since I've only been playing for a week and a half.

Well, I brought it anyhow, hoping they could teach me something. I was so surprised. We had a fantastic jam session. Rich would lay out a tempo and a beat, and then I'd play a chord sequence and Mike would improvise... then Rich would solo for a bit, and then I'd change up the strum pattern, or the play around with the chords a bit (what little I could pull off, but it didn't sound bad). According to the girls, we sounded pretty darned good. Well, whatever... after 2 hours we were tired and pleased with ourselves.

Diet

2007-05-21T12:05:00.000-04:00

My good friend Beth and her fiance are getting married soon and they decided to go on a diet. No, they're not morbidly obese or anything... they just wanted to drop a few pounds before the wedding. I mean, these days, who isn't on a diet? They're on the Sonoma Diet which sounds a lot like Atkins, South Beach, and all the other diets that seem to be "in" right now.

That means you eat in stages... for 10 days you eat with a ton of restrictions to jump-start your weight-losing gland, and then you move to stage two, which is where you try to reach your target weight. Stage three? Oh, that stage is just for the rest of your life. You're still on the diet. On a maintenance plan where you can even have an "occasional dessert."

Who wants that? Who wants to spend the rest of their lives on some diet? That seems to be the thing with all diets - step one is hard but short, step two is longish but rewarding, and step 3 is the rest of your life.

Let's look at Paul's Miracle Diet.

Stage 1: Be fat and Wait. Yep, stage one is just be fat. Eat what you want, when you want, and quit caring. This is the hardest stage, cause, well, you're fat. You can choose a euphemism - by all means do - but let's not lose sight of what's really going on here. You're fat, and that's okay. Personally I like being called "chubby." What's the "Wait" part about? You'll see.

Stage 2: Take the Pill. If they can cure Polio, treat cancer, and transplant a freaking heart, you know science is eventually going to fix the fatties of the world, right? Anytime you ever see a movie about the future or where there are people from another planet you'll notice two things. One - they're all wearing uniforms (usually one piece jumpsuits). Two - they are all thin. So, it's safe to say that in addition to sweeping wardrobe reforms, the future will have a thin pill. A pill that makes you thin. Christ, they keep talking about it on the Health Report on the news. Stage two is where all of your weight loss will happen... just by taking a pill!

Stage 3: The Rest of Your Life - Laughing at Everyone Who Dieted and Exercised. You waited, you took the pill, and now, you're the one laughing! This is where laziness pays off - you didn't do the things you were supposed to, and somewhere, a scientist was sick of seeing fat people so he invented a pill to make us thin. Hallelujah! Now you spend the rest of your life reminding everyone that you got thin by taking a pill, which is significantly less effort than running, eating right, and skipping dessert. Who wins? You win.

I want everything

2007-05-16T20:43:00.000-04:00

I do, especially when I'm in the Apple Store. How do they cram this much cool stuff into such a small place? I have no idea. I'm actually in the store right now, waiting with my friend during laptop surgery. Not exactly exciting and thrilling stuff, but at least I'm in a cool place where I can make a blog post. My 401st post, by the way.

Can you believe that? Most blogs, I think it's like 80% or more, stop getting posted to after the first three months. And my blog's been up for like 3 years! Plus, I feel cool that I've got a blog and not a Myspace or LiveJournal (an "el jay" if you will). This one guy I know, I Ain't No Oprah, has a page where he whores himself out on Myspace. He's that guy your parents keep warning you about.

But back to the Apple Store. What is it with the people who work here? They're wicked helpful and I love them all, but seriously, some of them are a bit too geeky even for me. Like this one guy I'm watching now. He carries his iPod on his belt. And not one of those Shuffles or even a Nano. Nope, a full-sized, video iPod on his belt. Sure, I carry my phone and my Swiss Army knife on my belt, but that's hardly geeky. I mean, nobody calls Batman a geek when he whips out a Batarang to save the day. I shit you not, my knife has saved me more times than I can count. And my phone? That's handy to have in a pinch, wouldn't you agree?

But an iPod? What kind of emergency calls for an iPod? Quick! The DJ has passed out... what will we groove to? No need to fear, this dork has an iPod on his belt! Seriously though, what kind of music does a guy who wears his iPod on his belt listen to?

Something tells me he's into Duran Duran in an unnatural way. He just looks hungry like the wolf, you know?

Don't Get AIDS

2007-05-15T08:21:00.000-04:00

But have lots of sex. Also, be a cartoon that's probably NSFW.

Actually, these cartoons are French public service announcements about not getting AIDS.

Who got a guitar?

2007-05-14T20:15:00.000-04:00

I got a guitar. After many nights of rocking out to Guitar Hero 2 (many thanks to Audrey for finding what must have been the last copy in the entire New England area), I decided to get the real thing. After some comparison shopping and a few trips to Guitar Center, I plunked down some green on a metallic red Fender Squire Strat. It's a basic, entry-level electric.

So what can I play? Heh, not Freebird, that's for sure, but I'm doing okay. So far I've learned the chords for Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues and Dylan's Knocking on Heaven's Door. Once I get those two down I'm going to move on to Eye of the Tiger which is a pretty easy song too. And seriously, who doesn't rock out to that in secret? That's right, nobody.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-07T12:15:00.000-04:00

Send your mom one of these cards (courtesy of the Onion).

Burnin' Down The House

2007-04-29T21:30:00.000-04:00

Well, not the house, but the Widget Factory. Friday at work, one of our coworkers became a citizen (and she registered to vote, too). Solely because we all love cake and an excuse to stop working for fifteen minutes, we threw her a surprise citizenship party.

I'm hanging around waiting for the party to begin, when I spot some sparklers on the shelf next to the admin assistant's desk (that's the secretary for those of you who still call a spade a spade). Despite the fact that sparklers (along with all other fireworks) are illegal in Massachusetts, I said, "Hey, nothing's more American than fireworks! We should light this sparkler for Lisette's party."

For whatever reason, the fools in my office thought this was a great idea. The sparkler would go great with the red-white-and-blue themed party. So we all hid in the conference room and waited. One of the secretaries - I mean administrative assistants - told me that I shouldn't just hold the sparkler and wave it. No, instead, "put it in the cake. It'll look great there instead of candles."

Great it was not. I lit the sparkler and it was smooth sailing for about 8 seconds. Then the ash from the tip of the sparkler fell off and up went the bamboo stick holding the rest of the flaming stick upright.

It was only a matter of seconds before the frosting was charred and the entire sparkler fell over and onto the plastic plate underneath the cake. "It'll just go out!" someone shouted. When it was clear that it *wasn't* going out, Lisette started trying to blow it out, which just fed the fire and lit up more of the sparkler.

Now the table is on fire.

Luckily, there's a bathroom nearby the conference room. Someone ran in with a bowl and filled it with water so she could put the blaze out bucket-brigade style.

The cake? Of course we still ate it. Who can go without that 2pm sugar rush?

Mozy

2007-04-27T19:57:00.001-04:00

Mozy is a great application that I just found today courtesy of freemacware (also works on Windows). They'll give you two gigs of storage with a free account or unlimited storage for a nominal monthly fee (something like five bucks). It'll automatically back up any files you want to their remote storage facility after it encrypts them.

An application like this one is exactly what I've been looking for! I just backed up about 800MB of files. See, I'm a backup nut. I've got an external drive that I backup to each night, and I always archive to CD or DVD every few months. Now I can backup off site so if one of my friends burns down my house, I'll be all set.

If you're laughing about that last statement, you *really* don't know my friends.

Spongebob's Employment

2007-04-23T23:22:00.000-04:00

I was rewatching the Spongebob Squarepants movie today, and noticed something interesting.

So, it seems that Spongebob had 374 consecutive employee-of-the-month awards; he works as a fry cook making Krabby Patties at the Krusty Krab. Let's assume that Spongebob was employee of the month from the exact month that he started working, and that he started on his 14th birthday. I figure that's reasonable for a sponge, right?

Well, 374 months is just a hair over 31 years. Thirty-one years at the Krusty Krab as a fry cook. That makes him 44. Spongebob, the same sponge who goes to Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat to watch a dancing peanut with a bunch of 8 year-olds. What's wrong with this picture? A 44 year-old guy at an undersea Chuck E. Cheese? I mean, Patrick I can understand. He's retarded, obviously. But Spongebob functions and obviously isn't retarded. As much as I love him, it's a little creepy.

Or maybe he *is* retarded... like Corky on Life Goes On. Functional, but retarded. Maybe Patrick is the one dragging him down to his level. Thoughts?

But as far as the movie is concerned, it's really smart and funny. I even picked up on an animation change with Spongebob when he was "drunk" on ice cream. Look for it - he goes from Disney to something subtly reminiscent of Adult Swim. You'll see it.

MLB

2007-04-17T22:31:00.000-04:00

Because I couldn't get the MLB Extra Innings package on Dish Network (the issue) I bought the MLB.TV service. Quite frankly, I'm not too upset that I can't get it on TV. The online version is really good. The streams are decent quality and I can watch six games at a time (live). Insane, huh?

Well, the application has a clever addition. The Boss Button.

What's it do?

Clever, MLB programmers. Clever.

When playing catch...

2007-04-10T13:18:00.000-04:00

...make sure you do, or you'll end up like me.

Right in the eye socket. I'm lucky I didn't break my cheekbone, but I did get some stitching imprinted on my face. It's a little hard to see in the picture (sorry folks, taken with the iSight cam) so here's an image with the stitching highlighted.

Looks familiar, no?

Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers

2007-04-10T13:11:00.000-04:00

First off, what do you think of the new layout? I finally upgraded my template from the old Blogger to the New Blogger and I'm happy with the interface. It's a whole lot easier to add third party things to your site - like the Flickr Badge or my Statcounter counter. Thanks Blogger!

Stephen Who and the Whatsers? Yeah, I'd never heard of them either but a friend of mine, Sarah, told me they put on a great show and that they were playing at the Avalon on Friday. I gather they're a local-ish band who's gotten to low-end fame. So, Sarah and I decided to go.

Wow, I was impressed. I like a live show to be a fun band - trust me, I've got no desire to see someone singing depressing ballads or gloomy rock. Bands I've seen that I've loved (Carbon Leaf, Great Big Sea) have an up-beat sound and really put on a show. Well, Stephen Kellogg and his Sixers did not disappoint. From dancing in their underpants - wait, I actually have to clarify that. The bassist stripped to his boxers during the show, while there was a roadie who ran across the stage in green briefs with polka-dots when the Sixers brought on the circus acts.

I did say circus acts. A guy doing flips, someone with a light-up yo-yo, and of course, underpants man.

They weren't all fury and no sound, though. The Sixers have a great sound in addition to their fantastic dynamic. Think Barenaked Ladies but not overplayed or stale. Their rendition of The Time Of My Life complete with key-tar and "the lift" was in jest, but actually musically sound. Their original stuff all has an intensely personal meaning, and Stephen Kellogg even brought out his grandmother to dance with him on stage. Sure, it sounds corny now, but were you there you'd have been cheering along with the rest of us. If you ever get the chance, pick up tickets to their show. It's even worth the Ticketmaster piggybacks.

Oh Abba-Zaba

2007-04-04T18:09:00.000-04:00

You my only friend.

Today, I Ain't No Oprah gave (gave!) me not one, but TWO Abba-Zaba bars! I also met Lois Lane and Clinky from the No Oprah blog peanut gallery...

All this was after I saw the "Lives of Others" in German. Subtitles suck, but the movie was great... I'd recommend it to anyone looking for a new, good movie to read. I mean, watch.

Times have changed

2007-04-03T23:52:00.000-04:00

In the 70s, we were a red state... sort of.

Google Wiseass

2007-04-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you all saw Google's April Fool's Day joke, but I've got evidence of Google just being a wiseass in general. Check this out... I was trying to get to Cambridge, but hit the enter key too fast.

Sad Kermit

2007-03-29T11:03:00.000-04:00

Sad Kermit - Hurt. Go watch this video now, or some other songs that Kermit covers. Special thanks to G$ for the heads up.

Thermostats

2007-03-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

I'm really starting to hate my thermostat at work. I'm not even sure why I have one. Every day, it starts out around 70 degrees in my office, then it creeps up to 77 or 78 by 11, and they stays there till the end of the day when I leave.

That's what the readout on the thermostat says (and it's digital so I know I'm not reading it wrong). Of course, this isn't the best for working in an office, since I end up sweating by around 10am. I've had to wear short sleeves all winter just to cope with my weirdo office climate.

And the kicker? The thermostat's got a spot where I can set the temperature in the office. Yeah, I'm taking the hint that they actually just disconnected that and that my office will always be whatever temperature the maintenance folks want it to be. So why put it there? Why taunt me with the possibility of a comfortable temperature?

Maintenance is full of sadists.

Walk for Hunger 07

2007-03-23T09:36:00.000-04:00

As you may or may not remember, in 2006 I walked 20 miles in the Walk for Hunger. Well, I'm doing it again, and that's where you all come in. Yes, readers of my blog o' fun, I'm asking you to donate money to a worthy cause!

Feed the hungry in Massachusetts... sponsor me in the 2007 Walk for Hunger! =) You can even donate online. Thanks!

Abstinence Condoms

2007-03-17T19:38:00.000-04:00

So, I was thinking... you know how there are those states that teach abstinence only sex education? Well, even if you use abstinence only brainwashing there are still going to be kids who want to have sex. So, I was thinking of a solution that would make the non-abstinent kids safe.

Distribute condoms that play the Mexican Hat Dance when you unroll it. Think about it - if she'll actually still do it with you (and you can keep it up) after the condom plays the Mexican Hat Dance, you deserve to have sex. Scientific research has proven that the Mexican Hat Dance is the least romantic and least sexy song ever. It was in the Journal of the American Medicine Association.

For Cake

2007-03-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

My pal Cake, here you go:

How inconsiderate of me! I got something for Cake, but nothing for the rest of you. Here you go. Hopefully the Man of 100 Voices will make you smile. Cake, since you already got cake, don't look at the link. You already had your present. =P

Bad Ideas

2007-03-09T07:48:00.000-05:00

Every time I go to sleep, I have bad ideas that, somehow, seem pretty good at the time. For example, last night I was thinking about different ways of letting someone know you're not really into them if you're dating. Why not send them a copy of He's Just Not That Into You and start acting out scenes from the book. I mean, if that doesn't send the message, what will?

At least at this point, I'm able to recognize them as bad ideas. Like my idea for a game show - terrible! See, I call it 50/50. It starts out with 50 people, all sitting at podiums with two buttons in front of them. One button leads them to the next round, and one gets them punished. In the first round, if you guess the wrong button, you get punched in the face (it'd totally have to be a surprise). By the end of the game, someone's standing next to you with a hammer, ready to crush in your kneecap. If you guess right, $1,000,000 is yours, otherwise your parting gift is some serious pain.

See? Bad idea.

Oh who am I kidding, that's just good television.

Skydive!

2007-03-02T08:36:00.000-05:00

Ever jump out of a perfectly good plane?

Ever jump out of a perfectly good plane, have both parachutes fail, land in bush at 80mph, not die, and have your friend ask you a stupid question like, "Are you hurt?"

I thought so.

Thank God for Passover

2007-02-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

The best idea just came to me, while I was sitting here at my desk, thinking about my friend in Washington. Washington is someplace else. Someplace that isn't here. Hmmm. [Strokes beard.]

Well, the factory is closed for two weeks (give or take, but I could supplement with my ample vacation time) at the beginning of April because the factory is being, um, disinfected. Why not take a cross country road trip? Maybe something to Yellowstone for camping? I've always wanted to do it, and it just seems like it's the right time in my life for something as stupid and ill-fated as this.

That's it. I want to go to Yellowstone, and just get some peace, detachment, and perspective. Get out there and just... be. Who's with me? Anybody? Bueller?

Iraq Solution

2007-02-26T07:45:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I went to McDonald's to grab a burger for dinner. Not the best choice, I know, but sometimes you just want a Big Mac and nothing else will do. Sure I live two doors down, but I used the drive through. Yes, this is lazy. I'm lazy, and I don't care. Thhhhbbt.

I'm glad that I did, though. The manager of that McDonald's night crew - a Latino fellow with a long pony tail - is the solution to all of our problems in Iraq. Let me set this up.

I pull around to the drive through, and there are maybe 6 or 7 cars ahead of me. I pulled up to the speaker, and he took my order accurately and quickly. I pulled around to the first window and he was there. Shoop went the window as he opened it. "Six fifty-two please." Each word annunciated and easy to understand. I gave him my money and had my change in less than 6 seconds. "Thank you. Move to the second window." Shoop. During this time he took like 3 other orders.

The next guy was obviously trained by the first, as he was just as efficient. My food, my drink, my McFlurry, and BAM. I was out of the drive through in less than 2 minutes. I mean, I've gone through in the morning, and the crew just isn't as good.

I think we should send this guy to Iraq to train the Iraqui troops. Instead of quickly dealing out hamburgers, fries, and change, he could mete out justice and weed out all these insurgents. Trust me, if we put this guy in charge we'd be out of there in a week.

Also, free Kareem!

So says the spam.

2007-02-20T15:56:00.000-05:00

Come around to reward punch Barney approve Kiernan's, says hat Joe. I wastrong correct -- cast What's your name opinion of the times?The bloody sneeze mongrel began to growl laugh that'd sworn paste put the fcrooked -- kiss solemnly change Jesus, says I.

Because it had to be said.

2007-02-13T23:40:00.001-05:00

http://www.jealousastronaut.com/

I live in Dilbert's cube farm.

2007-02-08T22:39:00.000-05:00

Not really, but this is great:

Damn you, the RIAA!

2007-02-08T21:38:00.000-05:00

Remember the good old days when Napster first came out? Before Napster, we had to use mIRC (a cracked version of course) to browse warez channels trolling for movies and music. Oh, that was a pain. You didn't really search globally... you had to just ask these automated file servers what files they had and see if you wanted something. Then you had to queue up and wait.

But I digress. What I'm getting at is that there are a lot of music pirates out there. Nobody wants to get caught, and with the RIAA, the MPAA, and various other abbreviated entities out for blood, what are people supposed to do? Nobody wants to go back to actually buying cds, do they?

How about this - remember mix tapes? What if everybody just made mix CDs of MP3 files (not a music CD, so it'd hold maybe a hundred songs) and gave them to people. Just random people you saw with an iPod. Put some instructions with it. You should be asked to pass the CD on when you're done with it, and (optionally) make a CD of your own MP3 files and pass it on. Hey, it could catch on.

My friend Beth...

2007-02-06T13:55:00.000-05:00

...is famous! Look for her on page 2 and mentioned on page 4.

Also, I am compiling a list of things I'd like to do before I die. According to the Death Clock that's in 2049, so I'd best get crackin'.

Here's what I've got so far. Please, give me a hand if you would.

Skydive
Have a child
Fire a gun (at an inanimate target!)
Be the first to see the sun rise in the US (Lubec, ME)
Visit Astoria, OR and look for locations from The Goonies

Mime!

2007-02-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

Some time ago, I linked you away to an amazing mimed version of Natalie Imbruglia's Torn. It wasn't the whole song and was only a minute long. Today, it is my great pleasure to present to you, a link to the whole song, with special guest, Natalie Imbruglia. Here you go.

You know my style

2007-02-02T19:08:00.000-05:00

I was listening to NPR on the way home today, and they were talking about the non-binding resolutions that the senate wants to pass saying that the war in Iraq is dumb. Or something.

When asked if the White House was concerned about this (ahem) non-binding resolution, a source said, "They're all over it like a fat kid on cake."

That, my friends, is a 50 Cent line. Yes, it's a lyric from a song of his. First of all, WTF is someone in DC doing quoting 50 Cent? And how did the NPR people *know* it was 50 Cent?

Can you see the next state dinner? There's dancing after, and Bush and his cronies start a chant of "Go shortie!" while Condi Rice does the booty shake with her thong peaking out. HER milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, that's for sure.

Makes you think

2007-01-30T12:19:00.000-05:00

So, I was listening to NPR the other day, and Bush was on. He was being interviewed. Here's an excerpt.

MR. WILLIAMS: Well, now, one of the concerns might be that you have – the gunmen were trying to assassinate clerics and pilgrims – Shia pilgrims. So I'm wondering if that's an indication of a civil war – a term that, you know, you've been reluctant to use.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, I think it's an indication that there are murderers who will kill innocent people to stop the advance of a form of government that is the opposite of what they believe.

I was listening in the car, and I found myself at a loss for words.

Murder is, last I checked, killing another human being. If you look at it from the stance that we've killed umpteen Iraqi civilians, doesn't that make us murderers by definition? And what are we, then, but murderers who will kill innocent people to stop the advance of a form of government that is opposite what we believe?

So, yes. President Bush is a murderer, by proxy. Nice going!

Just in case...

2007-01-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

...you're not worrying about anything. Tick-tock goes the doomsday clock. =\

Finding things

2007-01-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I mentioned this on my blog earlier, but on New Year's Eve, I found a book in Davis Square (Somerville) outside of Starbucks. It's called It Happened in Boston? and is really quite good. It's about this insane artist who lives in Boston who wants to meet God and destroy him. Weird, I know, but well written. His lunacy is quite entertaining.

Today I also found a bookmark of a harbor seal (the clowns of the ocean) as I was carrying my book. Seriously, people lose or throw away such good crap. I'm a reader of the blog of Found magazine, which is quite interesting most of the time. It's got notes or pictures or other snippets of other people's lives that have been lost and then found again.

Neglected

2007-01-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm sure you all feel neglected. I haven't written here in quite a while, and I'm sure that you're all out there wondering what happened to me.

Nothing, really. I just haven't had much to say.

I mean, nothing exciting has happened to me lately. Sure, there are the usual goings on, but nothing truly spectacular. Jessi and I celebrated her 30th birthday last weekend. Friends, fun, and bowling. Always a good time.

But this isn't news worthy. Or blog worthy really... So I find myself wondering why I haven't fallen out of a tree lately, or why I haven't done something spectacular to make a complete ass of myself.

Maybe this is just the life of an adult. Wow, that kind of sucks. If I have to go the rest of my life not falling out of trees, why go on?

Comic books and a fear of death, mostly.

I was watching the Saw trilogy over the past few days, and I really tried to analyze the films. First off, they're the scariest fucking movies on earth, so if you'd like to seriously ruin a perfectly good pair of boxer shorts I suggest watching them. Second, they focus on this "appreciation of the life you have" kind of theme. This nutbag Jigsaw plays these weirdo games with you, where the consequence for losing is death, and winning usually involves some kind of disfigurement, dismemberment, or other bad, bad thing.

But his reasoning (if you can call it that) is that the "winners" of the games would appreciate their lives to the fullest. He says - and I think this may be true - that everyone goes through their lives knowing that they're going to die. That fact, however, doesn't sink in unless you know exactly when you will die. Think about it... it's pretty true. If I knew the date and time that I'd die, I'd be freaking out.

Huh, I kind of forget where I was going with this, but I'm sure it was really profound. Yeah.

Well, wait a second. If that's true - that every single little thing you do is hugely important in your life (like, if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, the air would taste fresher, etc.), then I've been hugely busy doing amazing things. Like laundry! Go spin cycle!

Icy

2007-01-19T09:33:00.000-05:00

Be careful out there.

Pulled Deliciousness

2007-01-16T12:32:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I had to cook for a church supper. It was way back in November that I got roped in, and making my pulled pork didn't sound like such a bad thing to do in a few months. Then a few months passed, and I was having second thoughts.

But, I persevered. I made the pork. For those of you who are unfamiliar with my pulled pork, here's what I do. I get some pork shoulders (imagine your shoulder and part of your upper arm) and smoke them for 14 hours. Basically, you put charcoal in the bottom of your smoker and throw some chunks of wet wood on top. Wet wood, you see, makes the most smoke (and moist smoke)

I got up at 3am on Friday, and i had the pork going by 3:30. At 6pm, we ate! Having a winter barbecue was fantastic, complete with brisket and bbq chicken.

Somehow I got roped in to doing ribs in April. =P

Seriously, why?

2007-01-11T09:09:00.000-05:00

Why do men have nipples? I mean, sure, they're fun to pierce, but they serve no purpose. Women can breastfeed, men can... can... NOTHING. Men can do nothing with their nipples!

This led me to this comparison. Men's nipples are like hubcaps. Sure, they look cool, but they serve no purpose.

Women, on the other hand, have alloy wheels.

Immolate Me Elmo

2007-01-09T07:53:00.001-05:00

Quite frankly, this is the most disturbing thing of 2007. So far.

Epitome of Lazy

2007-01-02T14:21:00.000-05:00

Today, being the first day back at work after a bit more than a week off, I was feeling kind of lazy.

I had to work on a machine on the bench behind me - nothing big, just some software tweaks for an image.

I just didn't feel like turning around, so I remoted in to finish up the work.

I remote controlled a machine that was less than 3 feet away. AND I SIT IN A CHAIR WITH WHEELS.

Back from Vacation

2007-01-02T07:37:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the post-blight, but I was away from my desk. For a week. I will be posting soon, don't you worry though. Hip Happy 2007.

Scientific Discovery

2006-12-22T08:31:00.000-05:00

I have made a huge scientific discovery! Read on!

[sarcasm = ON]

As Americans, we have the burden of being the world's #1 at everything. Best at sports, strongest at war, smartest, fastest, prettiest and richest. Nobody else is quite as good as us, since we are the yardstick by which the world measures itself. Am I right?

Since all of this is true, it stands to reason that American lives are the most important lives on Earth. I have come up with a mathematical equation that can convert the lives of those from other countries to American lives. I call it the American Life Equivalence Formula. What's it do? Well, now if there's a bombing in Zimbabwe and 30 people die, you can figure out how many that is in American lives.

Woah, how do you compute that?

Basically, you go to the CIA World Factbook (a great resource, btw) and find some information about the country in question You'll need:

average life expectancy at birth (e)
death rate (d)
infant mortality rate (i)
birth rate (b)
literacy rate (a percentage, though we do not treat it as such, l)
percent below the poverty line (also not treated as a percentage, p, can be substituted with unemployment data)

"A" is a constant. Well, a constant computed each year with updated figures. See, "A" is the value that America gets when we plug our numbers into that equation. It comes out to about 5.688.

So, let's take our Zimbabwe example.

e = 39.29
d = 21.84
i = 51.71
b = 28.01
l = 90.7
p = 80

So, we compute that out, divide by America (to give us a percentage) and viola! Each person from Zimbabwe is worth 5.0% of an American. So, let's say there was a disaster in Zimbabwe where 67 people were killed. Holy smokes! A tragedy! But wait... that would translate into only 3.35 American Lives. Not such a big deal now, is it? Wouldn't even make national news.

The study that says there are 100,000 Iraqi civilians dead? Luckily, at only 14.1% American, that translates to 14,100. Still a lot of people, but doesn't that sound like a much nicer number? It's all about perspective.

So, next time there's a typhoon, earthquake, or war... remember to convert the numbers into lives that actually count. Use the American Life Equivalence Formula!

[sarcasm = OFF]

What scientific journal should I submit this to? Do I have to do a peer review? Seriously though folks, it's a joke. However, the numbers do seem to come out "right." Brits are about 72% of an American Life and we care about them (politically at least). The kids in Darfur? I'm afraid to even calculate it out.

My humor is UNcomplex

2006-12-20T22:42:00.000-05:00

My friend Ban (that is, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon) emailed me Monday and asked me to write up a "Best Of" list for 2006. I would have posted about this earlier, but, you know... busy! Here's his email:

Hey Paul,

How've you been? I had such a good time at your birthday the other night, thanks for inviting us along with Ben, Ricki, Adam and Jessi. We should have more of these "Six Party Talks" at the Brazilian buffet...haha the Midwest Grille in Cambridge, right? The beer at Bukowski's was great, too... I always loved the People's Republic of Cambridge. ^_^

See you later.

B

Oh, I have a favor to ask of you... remember that "Best of 2006 List" you told me about? We're having a new year's party and I have to do a funny speech (it's some tradition, I dunnno). Could I use that? It'd go over big, I know. Thanks!

ヽ(´ー｀)ﾉ

===============================
Ban Ki-moon
Secretary General of the United Nations
212-963-2675
thebigban@un.org

Neat smiley there, huh?

See, I told B that I had been kicking around the idea of a sarcastic Best of 2006 list for my blog. Well, I'm going to work on it for a few days and then post it up here and email it back to him. He asked if I wanted to come, but I'm not sure I want to go to New York on new year's. Whatever though, a friend in need.

Hey, you could help me. Give me your best ofs and I'll add the best to my list!

My Bad

2006-12-20T11:49:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately, but I've been super busy with life. I know that's no excuse, and I promise that I'll start posting again soon, hopefully this week.

"What's the haps," you ask?

A short list:

cat injury and vet bills
treasury woes
birthday (!)
XBox 360 is controlling my life
shopping
Christmas is coming (double !)

So yes, we're all busy, but not all of us blog. =P

And that's the haps.

Dude, Cronkite (or whatever his name was) should totally have used that as his catch phrase instead of "Goodnight and good luck."

Can you picture it? "...sources inside the Pentagon reported that over 3 American soldiers were killed today in Iraq. 62 Iraqi civilians were also killed, which is only about .79 American Lives on the American Life Conversion Chart. And that's the haps."

Looks like this turned into a blog entry after all.

Stick Hand

2006-12-11T18:35:00.000-05:00

Wow. So, I just got home from the hospital. Not for me, but for Jessi... the handgina issue.

We got to the hospital at 6, and she had her surgery at 8. At 9:18 she was in the recovery room, and we met with the doctor. "Well, it was a very satisfying surgery," he said. As an aside, I can imagine him saying to his wife, "Well, that was a very satisfying blowjob," very matter of factly. Anyhow, they found the root of the problem. Haha, root! It's a pun, but you don't know it!

What was causing the problem? Oh, there was a 1.5 cm piece of wood in her hand, as well as a small rock. This was from an injury she had TEN YEARS AGO. At Girl Scout camp. WTF?

But, all is well. She's going to be coming home either tomorrow or Wednesday, and... NO PACKING. No wick. No shoving shit in her hand with an over-sized Q-tip. Sigh, I am so relieved.

Now I'm going to pass out.

My First Youtube

2006-12-04T08:37:00.000-05:00

Sure I've watched stuff on YouTube before, but I've never posted anything. This morning, however, my crazy friend Amy was good enough to do (and then redo for video) a performance of the Night Court theme song a capella. Watch the Google Video here (because YouTube's video didn't sync the sound correctly)!

Also, I want this.

Till you drop

2006-12-03T17:49:00.000-05:00

This movie should be funny, but unfortunately it's sad. It's sad because there *is* such a thing, and it *is* really necessary. Sigh. I remember the good old days when all you needed was some booze and a halfway decent pickup line.

'Tis the Christmas Shopping Season, and boy am I tired. Honestly, I've run out of ideas. I don't know what you want, or what you need anymore. None of you. So, this year, everyone is getting tube socks. Just come back to this page on Christmas day and there will be tube socks under a tree for you. Until next time, however, read this note to Santa.

Revenge of the Hand

2006-12-01T12:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes they come back. Yes, the famed handgina will soon be making another appearance in my life. It seems that Jessi's doctor fucked up the first operation on her hand, and now she's got to have another. Isn't that just ducky? Yes, for four months now the hand's been not healing right, the infection has been creeping back in, and in general it's been pretty gross.

That should be a super swell way to spend some time right before the holidays. In the hospital, I mean. Isn't that just a happenin' place? Joy.

The Widget Factory has been a little slower this week, though I haven't been able to sleep. I mean, I'd got bed at 11 and not fall asleep till 1, and then I'd keep waking up in the middle of the night. I even took a perc, and, although I felt like I was in a coma, still woke up feeling like I had to peel myself out of bed.

When I'm trying to fall asleep I never count sheep or anything. I do, however, try to list off all the people I ever dated in order of appearance. For some reason I hardly ever make it past high school and into college. I'm always asleep after just a few minutes.

Back to the grind

2006-11-27T11:54:00.000-05:00

Well, Turkey Day and all the festivities were fantastic, but now it's back to making widgets. Jessi and I went to see her brother for the actual meal of Thanksgiving, which this year had been renamed Caileighfest 2006 in honor of their child. Scientists have since discovered that the earth actually revolves around her, and not the sun as previously thought. Who knew. Admittedly, she's cute, but I'm bitter cause she doesn't like me. How could you not like me? I'm big and fuzzy. I'm like, one red shirt away from being Winnie the Pooh.

On the Xbox vs. Wii issue, I have to say I ignored all the good advice and got a 360 (for Xmas). Gears of War and Superman sold me, plus Call of Duty 3 and Lego Star Wars II aren't too shabby either (and yes, I know they're multiplatform). The Wii looked nice, and I even saw a nice demo in EB, but the controller kills me. Christ, it's a video game... I don't want a workout swinging and punching and all that. I want to sit on the couch and eat Cheetos during my gaming experience. Call me crazy. Or, you know, call me lazy.

I'm quite excited for tonight, as well. I'm going to eat dinner at my mom's house (not such a rare thing, and not what I'm excited about) and she's cooking, which is always an experience. Tonight we're having chicken baked into mac and cheese. I tried to convince her to bread and then deep fry it, but she wouldn't. Although, TGI Friday's has fried mac and cheese, so it can be done. And with God as my witness, I'll do it!

XBOX?

2006-11-20T12:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, Microsoft hating aside, I've got a question/poll for my readers.

My mom asked me if I wanted an Xbox 360 for Christmas this year, and I'm kind of on the fence. It's a lot to spend on a console (though not nearly as much as those freaking PS3s on eBay), but it's amazing. I used to play consoles a lot, but stopped since I traded my ex-Xbox for some comic books. It wasn't an intentional trade, more of a common-law trade, but that's a story for another time.

Really, the big draw is the Superman game, which is also coming out for PS2. The graphics will suck more, the load times will be higher, but it'll still be the same game mostly. Do I go for the Xbox 360 and open myself up to a whole new world of gaming? Ask for something else?

What's on your geek holiday buying guide?

Geek Prayer

2006-11-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

As I put my Mac to sleep,
I pray the Lord my songs to keep.

If connections die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my WAN to take.

Contest!

2006-11-12T15:36:00.000-05:00

Photoshop (or GIMP) this. Funniest entry wins. I'll think of a prize, don't you worry. If no one enters, I'll cry.

Turned Away

2006-11-08T08:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I tried to do my civic duty and vote, but I was turned away.

I went to Government Center where I used to vote, and they told me that I had to go someplace else. So I went down to Pond Street to the Housing Authority to vote, and I was told that I could not vote because I was not on the list.

Not on the list? It's a printed list of addresses. Why was I not on the list? I asked the elderly woman how this could be and she said that when I moved (two years ago) my name was removed from one list but not added to another list.

So, I tried to vote but was turned away. How shitty is that? And I really wanted to vote yes on all of the ballot questions, too. Hell, wine in the grocery store would be sweet.

After not voting, I took the T to Braintree and went to the town hall to collect signatures for Mass Equality. There's a constitutional convention on Thursday, and we're hoping to keep same-sex marriage legal. I got a lot of signatures and only a few dickheads. We'll see on Thursday.

Sheeps

2006-11-06T09:24:00.000-05:00

I went up to my aunt and uncle's farm with Jessi this weekend and we had a fantastic time. It's like having a family petting zoo - sheep, goats, bunnies, a pony, a miniature horse, 4 dogs, and a bunch of chickens.

The best thing is that when my uncle calls the chickens ("Heeeere chickieeeeeeeeees") they come running to him. Who'd have thought that chickens would make good pets?

This weekend promises to be fun too... Jessi and I are going to North Conway to relax... and to paint. See, her mom owns a condo up there, and she said we could stay there for the long weekend if we painted a room or two. I like painting so I have no problem with *that* at all. Yay a sort-of vacation!

Don't forget!

2006-11-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

Remember, remember, the 5th of November
The Gunpowder Treason and plot;
I know of no reason why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Bizarro President

2006-11-02T08:09:00.000-05:00

Me am not thinking about what it would not be like... Wait wait. Sorry, sometimes I accidentally slip into Bizarro-speak. What I meant to say was, I have been thinking about what it would be like if we could create Bizarro Bush.

We'd have a smart, well spoken president who can balance the budget, is socially liberal, and can pronounce "nuclear" correctly. I mean, aside from the fact that he'd have a big rock slab on a chain around his neck proclaiming him to be "President #1" he'd be a decent guy.

Hmmm, I think I may have stumbled on a way for the Democrats to win in 2008. Find Bizarro Bush! He could run with Bizarro Cheny, who, you know, doesn't shoot his friends in the face.

Yeah, I know, it should say "President #1" but I'm at work and don't have time.

Reader Challenge

2006-11-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

I challenge you, my readers, to answer my question. Ye who answers it shall be dubbed "|\/|[]57 3><7|`e|\/|3 1337|\|355" and will be the heir to the throne of Pr0n.

Ahem, Ali.

I think someone should start a BOINC project to "solve" chess. That is, to compute every single move possible. That way, I could finally be good at chess. Originally I wanted to see what the highest achievable solitaire score would be, playing by the rules of Solitaire XL (a Mac solitaire client). It seems that wasn't exactly feasible.

But sure, why not chess right? So, someone out there ought to write this for me, and heck, for the betterment of the whole world. Go get 'em!

Best Commercial

2006-10-31T22:08:00.000-05:00

I think they must have counter weighted some things in this movie... especially the tires, which I think might explain why they went uphill.

Thoughts?

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T12:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry though, no vampires this year. Or, you know, ever.

It seems that the existence of vampires has been scientifically disproven using - gasp - math! Yep. It seems if there were 537 million people in the world in 1600 and only one vampire, there would be no more people by 1602. Just vampires. Now, I don't know about all of you, but my human blood consumption is pretty low. Sure, every once in a while I'll put a papercut in my mouth (my own cut, mind you) but I hardly think that counts. And no, I don't sleep in a coffin.

Read the rest of the article here. I must admit, however, that he also tries to disprove zombies. Obviously he's never seen me in the morning before my watery-wakeup call.

Too Tired

2006-10-26T14:04:00.000-04:00

I've been up too late every night this week. On Tuesday, Jessi and I went to see Carbon Leaf (yay!) at the Paradise. You can see pictures on my Flickr account.

The show was great... we were front "row" (there weren't seats) center, but had to stand for like 5 hours. When you're chubby like me, that's painful. It's like being a pregnant woman, but without the big boobs and nobody wants to touch your stomach.

There was the most drunk girl on earth there, trying to get on stage and have sex with the lead singer. She kept making kissy-faces at him, and then she flipped him off, and then she flailed her arms around and started leaning towards him and grabbing his hand. Ok, he's a good looking guy, but for the love of Pete, we're not at a Justin Timberlake concert.

At work I've been trying to get a robotic autoloading tape drive to work with Veritas. If that sounds confusing or boring, it is. Trust me. It's times like this that I go back to my mantra: the weekend is never more than 5 days away.

Superpumpkin

2006-10-23T08:12:00.000-04:00

I carved this. More on Pumpkin Fest later.

I didn't realize, but I passed the two year mark on my blog! Happy birthday, blog.

Commercial

2006-10-19T08:16:00.000-04:00

Ok, I think I should work for the Healey campaign. Check it out... I've written a commercial that I think Kerry Healey would be proud to say, "I'm Kerry Healey and I approved this message," to.

Shot of a cute baby.

Voice over: Deval Patrick says he wants to help children. But his track record tells a different story.

Shot of Deval Patrick with teeth showing. Evil music.

Voice over: Deval Patrick eats babies.

Healey sitting at her desk. Happy, nice music.

Healey: I'm Kerry Healey and I don't eat babies. Vote for me because Deval Patrick is the Devil. I'm Kerry Healey and I approve this message.

Paid for by the Deval Patrick Eats Babies Foundation.

Didgeridon't

2006-10-18T12:42:00.000-04:00

I've decided to take some time out of my hectic work day to write on my blog. Yes, the production lines at the Waltham Widget Factory have been sped up over the weeks, but they're slowing down a bit now.

As you read in my previous entry, I went to King Richard's Faire over the weekend. Jessi and I spent many many hours there, and I must admit I was swept away into the fun of it all. No, I didn't dress up and neither did Jessi. Well, not this year at least. Actually, she wore horns. Not goat horns or something, just like... satyr or faun horns.

I picked up a new instrument at the faire, and I've been enjoying playing it. I'm actually not half bad for practicing for only three days. The instrument is called a didgeridoo, and it's something that abirigones from Australia would play. To make sound come out of it, you basically give a raspberry but without sticking your tongue out.

I generally practice till my face gets numb and I start to drool. All I need to do now is figure out circular breathing and I'll be all set. Mabye one of these days I'll record myself playing and post it on the blog.

Did you watch Heroes on Monday? I stand by my initial statement. "Best. Show. Ever."

Wait, really?

2006-10-12T18:58:00.000-04:00

I got an IM today from an old, dear friend who said, "Hey jackass - update the blog... some people really wanna know stuff about you without letting you know they know..."

So, I'm doing just that.

As far as stuff to know, not much is going on. I've had a long week at work and haven't done much to speak of in the afternoons. This weekend, however, I've got some fun stuff going on.

Saturday Jessi and I are going to hit up King Richard's Faire. Since she goes in costume most of the time (I don't ask why) I figured I'd go in costume, too. Knight? Nah. Monk? Maybe. Easy costume - just a robe with a hood.

What if I went as Batman? I mean, that would really mess people up. Look, a knight, a peasant, and... Batman? He is the Dark Knight, I guess. I wonder what the king would say if he saw me dressed up like that. That I don't know. But I do know what *I* would say. To everyone. "I'm Batman."

So yeah. The Faire, and who knows what else.

Last weekend we went to a yard sale just on a whim. Jessi saw the sign as we came out of breakfast at Joseph's II (go, and eat pancakes). As we were pulling out of my driveway I said to her, "You know, I've been looking for an old manual typewriter in one of those neat cases on Craig's List forever now, and I can't find one." She looked at me quizzically, and I said, "Maybe they'll have one at the yard sale."

While we're there, browsing at some crap, she says, "Paul, is this what you were looking for?"

I couldn't believe it. A mint condition manual typewriter in a case. It must have been from the late 50s or maybe the early 60s. It works great, and really has some... charm I guess you'd call it. Now I just need someone to write letters to.

Any ideas blog friends? Please don't say LaShanda.

Heroes

2006-10-04T08:20:00.000-04:00

Jessi called me the other day and told me to watch this show called Heroes. It was in its second week, and she said it seemed like something I'd really enjoy, since it's sort of comic-book related.

I'm usually pretty wary about tv shows and movies that are comic-ish... I love comics and sometimes that makes me a picky watcher of comics-on-tv. Also, I just don't watch a lot of tv. I did check it out (got the first two episodes from the torrent).

Best. Show. Ever.

The story is fantastic, the characters are awesome, and the special effects aren't too shabby either. Watch the show.

Many, many thanks to Jessi for making me watch! =)

Running God Club

2006-10-02T19:06:00.000-04:00

This weekend I was invited to a wedding. Luckily it was casual so I didn't have to wear the yoke of oppression (what you all might call a "tie"). I went in a decent shirt, but didn't even tuck in.

It was Laura's wedding to Jeremy - that's Jessi's sister for those of you not paying attention - and a good time was had by all. They had the reception at the Sturbridge Rod and Gun club, which, after a few gin and cranberries, becomes the Running God Club. Doesn't that sound more fun? I mean, can't you picture Jesus, in his sandals without a shirt on sprinting down the beach with Chariots of Fire playing in the background?

It honestly was a great time, and I did get to stay in a hotel for 3 nights totally scott-free. Plus, there was foosball at the reception! Who owned the table? I owned the table.

View pictures here.

On the way home we stopped at Cracker Barrel for breakfast-for-lunch and after we ate we were hanging around in the store for a minute. I heard a woman, no lie, come in and say to an employee, "Excuse me, do you have an dead stuffed animals in here?"

I can only figure that she was wondering if they had any stuffed animals in the taxidermicalogical sense. Otherwise, that's just plain creepy. On the way home, we did see a dead stuffed animal. Actually, it was a stuffed reindeer, but it was in the road so it looked like roadkill. And I mean a kid's toy reindeer, not a real, once alive reindeer.

People are strange

2006-09-25T23:05:00.000-04:00

Even when you're not a stranger. I'm not getting into any specifics, but I'm really disillusioned with people these days. I've got this image of humans as basically good, decent, nice people. Am I wrong?

I don't want to get jaded, but every time I reach my hand out to people, I get bitten. I try to treat people like I want to be treated, but it always ends up blowing up in my face. I'm not quite ready to give up on humanity, but I'm getting there.

I've been trying to be a better person lately. I realize I can be kind of (as Not Drew puts it) "rough around the edges" and I'm trying to work on it. I'm thinking, though, that I'm not the only one with rough edges. It's sad to think of the people who you don't know anymore. How friends can become strangers so easily. Makes you wonder what friends really are, doesn't it?

As Dr. Frank (RHPS) said, "a toast, to absent friends." (Don't worry, nobody is getting served for dinner.)

That's a wrap

2006-09-24T20:16:00.000-04:00

That's it. The weekend is over. Sigh.

It was a pretty good one though. I had Friday off, though I slept till 1:00 and did almost nothing all day. Today I went apple picking with Jessi at the most racist, weird farm ever.

So we go in to Honeypot Hill Orchards get our bag to fill with apples. Before picking, though, we decided to go to the country store so that we could check out what they had (and to see if they had apple cider donuts). Aside from being crowded and overpriced, it was totally segregated.

All the farm workers that the public had contact with were white. The people who told you where to park, the hayride drivers, the people taking money for apples - all white. The people working in front of the conveyor belt sorting and cleaning apples? All black.

This racial disparity really bothered us.

So we were out in the orchard, talking. I said, "Man, I should plant the seeds from these apples and charge people $15 to pick a few."

Jessi promptly responded, "Sure, and we could hire all the blacks to work the shit jobs," except she said it a wee bit too loud. Now, naturally we were digging on the owners.

Luckily I don't think anyone heard her.

XP

2006-09-21T09:12:00.000-04:00

I now have Windows XP running on my Mac. I guess you'd call that a "deul" boot. Heh.

Anyhow, I was thinking. You know how people say that college is the "best years of your life?" I have a problem with that statement. I mean, it's like saying, "The next 60 years are totally downhill."

And parents who say it to their kids? That's evil. "Yeah, enjoy college, cause it will be the best years of your life. After that you'll get married, and have little bastards for children. Then you'll have to save up so that they can go to college and have the best years of their lives."

We live in a weird, weird world.

Pope Dumb and the Jihadists

2006-09-16T18:34:00.000-04:00

So, da Pope decided to make a speech about jihad and how it's bad, so he quoted a 14th century Byzantine emperor. "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new," goes the quote, "and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."

Gasp! That was offensive to Muslims? Who could have known. Obviously not da Pope.

Luckily, Muslims around the world proved that Islam is actually a religion of peace by attacking churches, shooting at Christians, and threatening violence on the Vatican.

This is a situation I find myself in a lot. Two parties think the other party is wrong, and everyone wants you to take a side. Da Pope or the Muslims? Palestinians or Israelis?

In reality, no matter what you choose, you're wrong. Because everyone is wrong. Da Pope was a dick. The Muslims were violent. The Palestinians got shafted, and in turn shafted the Israelis. The Israelis got shafted, and in turn shafted the Palestinians.

I feel like we're having the Great Taste/Less Filling debate, except we're killing each other over it.

The entire world deserves to be sent to bed without dinner, to really think about what it's done. Maybe then in the morning we can talk about this rationally and not start World War III.

Kid's Show

2006-09-11T20:47:00.000-04:00

Adam recently introduced me to Wonder Showzen, which is quite possibly the most disturbing program I've ever watched. It's set up like some sort of show for kids, complete with puppets and sponsors like the letter "N" but really, really fucked up. The letter N, for instance, is right out of rehab and falls back on the wagon before having an elaborate sex scene with the letter S. They end up having a baby I and pose for a family photo that spells out... you guessed it. SiN.

My soul dies a little bit each time I watch an episode.

Lately things have been really hectic at the Widget Factory and I've been working a lot of overtime. Wait, that's not exactly true. I've been working a lot of time over the amout of time I get paid for, while not getting paid for it. Damn being a salaried employee. Alas, widgets must be produced.

Jessi's roommate Jessie T. is also a preschool teacher, and I'm thinking of showing her Wonder Showzen under the pretense that she could use it in her classroom. I've even got Jessi on board with this, so it could be quite humorous. There's no possible way that this could blow up in my face.

This being the 5th year since 9/11 and the terrorist attacks, I'm going to post a link to a video you all should watch. It's called "Loose Change" and can be viewed here. The basic gist is that the government did it. Plausible? Perhaps, perhaps not. But at least it's an interesting perspective.

I was thinking about going into a whole political rant here where I'd talk about Bush and how he politicized the 9/11 attacks, and how it's really awful for all the poor folks who died that day... but I'm not going to. See, I'm just going to ask that each of you, while reading this blog entry, have a moment of silence. Just count to ten and think about peace.

Since not enough people are thinking about peace, I think I'll need one of these.

Snippets

2006-09-06T14:43:00.000-04:00

Best partial conversation overheard today: "Oh my God! Now I‘m going to go pee all over myself."

Trivia winners

2006-08-29T07:48:00.000-04:00

Yes yes. Last night we won trivia at the Skellig, and we won by a lot. It was me, Adam, Drew, and Tay (Drew's friend). Honestly it was a ton of fun, except for the guy reading questions was so freaking slow. It took till 11:30 to finish trivia, and we started a half an hour late.

The best was the bonus question for the fourth round - we had to name 8 Transformers for 5 points per Transformer. Being a geek throughout my entire life, I totally owned this question: Optimus Prime, Megatron, Hot Rod, Bumble Bee, Starscream, Astro Train, Ultra Magnus, and Blur got us 40 points.

I totally knew there was a place for me in the world where I could spout my useless knowledge for cold hard cash and a round of drinks.

One of the people working the trivia was a girl who looked really familiar to me. I kept thinking that I might know her from somewhere, and then when they said her name, it hit me.

Set the wayback machine for 8th grade. In my town there were always these dances for younger kids at the Moose club on Spruce street (the Spruce Moose, if you will) where I would go on Fridays for a few hours to (not) dance with girls and (not) pick up chicks. Even if I did pick up chicks, I would have had to take them crusing around with my mom at the wheel. Not super romantic.

Anyhow, I remember this one time (it's all coming back to me now) that there was some sort of video dance. The Eagles were playing. Myra and I danced a slow dance.

Looking back on it, she looked exactly the same. I mean, she's older, but she hasn't changed a lot like some people do, you know? As she was giving me my free drink, I asked her if she went to school in Waltham (knowing the answer). She said yes, and that I looked really familiar. She said that she knew my face from somewhere.

I told her the feeling was mutual, and then we chatted for a few minutes. In a while, when I figured that she wasn't a stuck-up bitch or anything (she was really pleasant, actually) I told her that I remembered dancing with her at the Spruce Moose. Turns out, as soon as I said something, she remembered too.

Weird, huh? Well, no. I have that effect on the ladies.

1337.

2006-08-28T19:28:00.000-04:00

Look at my score. Coincidence? I think not.

Ding!

2006-08-28T07:50:00.000-04:00

Last night as I was readying myself for bed, I started thinking. You know how the mind wanders as you're brushing and stuff, right? I mean, who sits there and thinks, "Brush, brush, brush, switch sides, brush brush brush. " Nobody.

So I was thinking, my blue + yellow make green 2000 Flushes Blue product is getting boring. I'm sick of making green. I thought, why not make a 2000 Flushes Red so I could make orange?

That could be cool, but I'm not sure red would go over big as a toilet water color. Still thinking of some way to entertain myself and my fellow vertical pee-ers, I figured that 2000 Flushes could make some pills that would dye your pee red. That way you could make purple. Wouldn't that be fun?

Although, if you ever forgot to flush and your roommate happened to notice that the toilet water was purple, he might start to wonder about your girlfriend.

(FYI: Ding is the noise my brain makes when I have a good idea.)

Squirrel Code

2006-08-27T20:13:00.000-04:00

I went to pick Jessi up at her work in Harvard Square, and something strange happened. I noticed that the squirrels were talking in code.

I was standing under a tree waiting for her to come out of her building when I heard this clicking sound. "What could that be?" I thought to myself. Couldn't have been bugs. Bugs don't make noises like clicking. Then it hit me. It was a squirrel banging his nuts (his acorns, dumbass) together.

Jessi came out and we started to walk to the Garage to get some ice cream. The sound followed us. I asked Jessi what she thought the noise was, and she said bugs. Once I told her my theory, however, she agreed. Definitely squirrels.

What were they saying? Why were they following us?

Jessi was the one to crack the code. It turns out the squirrels were saying, "Dude, look at that guy's bald spot. You can see the moon in it."

Fuck you, squirrels. You're just rats with a cute tail anyhow. Stupid cute-tailed rats.

Saturday afternoon we went to Good Harbor beach and I flew my kite while the Jessies sat on the beach and talked. It was great - an hour of peaceful flying while gazillions of people at the beach watched and went, "Woah, I've never seen a kite do that before." See, this is a Revolution, so you can fly backwards. So I'd dive at the ground at like a zillion miles an hour and then break really hard, turn, and go up again. Freaks people out.

One little girl was scared of the kite so I landed it so she could walk around. She decided that it would be more fun, however, to walk through the middle of the kite as if it were a bridge. She was cute. We also went to Rockport and I had lobster ravioli. So freaking good.

A is for Aquaman

2006-08-24T08:11:00.000-04:00

Check out this cool super-hero alphabet.

Friday yet?

2006-08-22T19:00:00.000-04:00

Man, has it ever been a busy week at the Waltham Widget Factory. We've cranked up production, and the technical needs have been demanding to say the least. Whew.

Over the weekend I was able to fly my new Rev, and damn, it is cool. It's insane... a kite that flies backwards? The control is great, and even when you crash, it's totally easy to right the kite and launch again. No walking down the lines to stand it on it's points. Just tug on a handle and you're good to go, it flips over on it's own.

Monday Adam, Dereck and I met up with Drew and three of his friends (including the Infamous Kim) for trivia at the Skellig. Now, when inviting Adam, he called the Skellig the Scally Wag about 4 times. I think pirate trivia would be great - think of it. "Arrrg, me 'earty. What do ye thinks the answer to number four is? I thinks it's booty."

Yeah, so trivia at the Scally Wag was decent, even though we came in far behind first. I got 25 bonus points for knowing five of the three stooges. Dereck got us bonus points for a funny answer. The question was, "What was Jessie James's brother's first name?" Of course we said that it was Rick. Rick James, bitch.

I'm actually going to another trivia night this week, on Thursday at some undisclosed location in Somerville. Now that I know erythrophobia is the fear of the color red, I'm set.

Look, triplets!

2006-08-17T18:58:00.000-04:00

This is really creepy.